there's something about susan

so, this latest internet sensation lady, this singing phenom susan boyle - i must say, i am rather appalled by the whole thing. i've seen the video on youtube, and i agree, she is a very talented and amazing singer. but the entire reason that she's being dubbed "a sensation" is because she is, for lack of a better phrase, rather unfortunate looking. she is known all over the world because she walked out on that stage and belted out a song, and the world said, dang, that ugly lady can sing! how totally and uterly shocking that such an unattractive woman could posses such talent! how amazing and quirky that such a beautiful sound could be emitted by such an unbeautiful person! look! look, world - here is a person who is homely AND she has the voice of an angel! oh my god, world, will wonders never cease??!?!!

all this says to me is that society as a whole is a big fat pile of shallow ass people who are no doubt already planning ms. boyle's makeover and a reality show centering around her first kiss, at the age of 47. seriously, people. have we ever heard of not judging a book by its cover? not all talented people are beautiful. not all beautiful people are talented (or smart, thank you for pointing that out, miss california!). get over yourselves. if i were susan boyle i'd tell the whole world to shove it up their arse (and she would say it like that cause she's scottish).

dear miss california,

i am an AVID perezhilton.com reader. that is the only reason that i've even heard of you, and that's the only reason i had to watch the vido clip of you from the pagent, answering his question regarding gay marriage. as a "beauty pagent" contestant, you are in a position to be criticized, and i know you're proud to have stood up for what you believe in, but what i really took offense at was your remark stating that you "meant no offense" to the gay community by taking a stand against gay marriage. oh really? no offense? no offense, gays of america, but i don't think you have the same rights i have as a heterosexual. no offense, but i think that i should be able to marry the man of my dreams and have a family and tax breaks, but i don't believe you should be able to enjoy that right, gay america. i don't mean to offend you, hardworking, tax paying gay people of america, but i am more of a person than you are because i'm not gay.

think about this, miss california: when you deny a group of people the same rights that other groups are free to enjoy, you tell that group that they are less human than you are. sure, sure, you have your religious or your political beliefs, and that's all fine and dandy, but when you use those beliefs to deny a group of people of the basic human right of FALLING IN LOVE AND MARRYING SOMEONE, what is that group of people to do but take offense?

i mean, no offense, miss california, but i think you are just a narrow minded idiot who blew a perfectly good chance to parade around for the next year with a 47 pound tiara on your head because you stuck with your guns and you told those damn gay people that marriage can ONLY be defined one way. i mean, no offense. that's just what i think of you.

on a day like today

spring is totally flirting with me today. it's all like, oh, hey, lindsey, hey it's spring, you remember me, let me caress your shoulders and kiss you behind the ear a little bit and let's maybe talk about going to bed together. and since i am like a giddy schoolgirl when spring comes around, i totally buy into this and i'm flirting right back - showing a little toe in a pair of sandals, maybe letting spring get a little glimpse of some leg, whispering some promises about a sundress that is pretty much sheer in the right lighting. i am loving spring and spring is loving me. this affair, like every year, will end with spring getting bored with me, and me forgetting all about spring so i can lust after summer, in all of summer's hot hot heatness. but you know, you get into bed with summer and most likely summer will be kinda peeved about you messing around with spring and he will leave you with a sunburn and funny tan lines. and that is just summer's way of sticking it to you without any serious drama, cause then summer is all like, oh, baby, you got burned...this is all spring's fault for not prepping you better for my hotness...let me rub some aloe on your sweet baby skin. and then i am not mad at summer any more.

but i swear, on days like this, when spring first shows up and is all like, hey girl (and he says this in the same voice as whoever that guy is from boys to men that does all the talking parts in the songs), i know you missed me. i know you been dreaming about me. and i might try to play hard to get, just a little, cause i don't want spring to think i am easy. but oh my god, am i ever. every time i see spring, every single year, i always forget that i am pissed that spring just blows into town and then leaves whenever the hell he wants, and i am just like putty in spring's hands. whatever spring wants from me, spring gets. i have no will power. i cannot fight my love for spring. swoon.

in my next life, i am coming back as a lion. but not just any lion, i want to be a lion in a zoo. yeah yeah yeah, animals in captivity and blah blah whatever. on days like this, if i was a lion in a zoo, i would park my ass, belly-up, in the sunniest spot i could find and i would not move. i might even lie there with my tounge hanging out. and i would tell that damn zookeeper that if i did not get a snowball treat while i was lounging, well, someone will be going home without a hand today. and i could do that cause i'd be a lion. and you cannot reason with a lion.

but that was totally random and had nothing to do with the first part of my posting. if i were editing myself, there would be all kinds of notes in the margin of this, like, these things are not related, where are you going with this? and then i would answer myself- spring has come back to me. i am not going anywhere with this. and i do not really care.

death cab for WOOOOOOOOOOtie

seeing as how today i celebrate my 29th year of life, i thought i would blog about something poignant about where all the time goes and what i've accomplished so far and all that sentimental gooey stuff, but then i thought, that would be kinda boring and only 2 people read this anyway, so i really can't afford to bore my readers.

i thought instead i would make note of something i found rather amusing last night, while in attendance at a Death Cab for Cutie concert (that was largely attended by stoned college kids and girls who think Ben Gibbard is attractive). this is how an audience communicates with their beloved rock stars:

Rock Star: Hey! How's everyone doing tonight?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Rock Star: Man, it's so f'n awesome to be back in DC, we love this city!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Rock Star: Thank you so much! This next song is called Blah Blah Blah and we hope you like it!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Rock Star: You guys rock! Thanks for coming, goodnight!
Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

so i thought, wouldn't it just be hilarious if we responded to EVERYONE the way we respond to rock stars?

Boss: Goodmorning, Lindsey, how are you today?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Boss: So, were you able to get that paperwork down to accounting today?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Boss: I'm on my way to a meeting, can you hold my calls until I get back?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Fellow Metro Rider: Excuse me, you left your umbrella on your seat (hands it back).
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Fellow Metro Rider: Can you tell me if this train goes to Union Station?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Fellow Metro Rider: Wow, is it always this crowded??
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Verizon Customer Service: Thank you for holding, Mrs. Hansen, how can I help you today?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
VCS: Hello, are you having a techincal problem with your phone?
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
VCS: I think your phone must be broken. I'm upgrading you to a new one and we'll get that out to you today. All I can hear is someone shouting.
Me: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

really, i could do this all day. and i would totally crack myself up. but, whatever. i'm 29 today. i can be as immature as i feel like it. so THERE!!!

gross. i'm a grown up.

I was recently talking to my sister about how I’ve all but lost my taste for alcohol (seriously, since I quit drinking during the week, not only have I seen a dramatic decrease in the frequency of my headaches, it’s also caused a dramatic decrease in how many drinks it takes to inebriate myself), and I feel like it was not really that long ago when I was throwing back shots, sleeping in my bathtub (because of the aforementioned shots, duh), and working as a beertub girl on weekends for extra drinking money. (oh, wait, did I just make myself sound like a loser?) Fast forward a mere 5 years and here I am, almost 30 and in bed by 10:30 (11 o’clock, tops!) during the week, midnight on the weekends (unless I stay home, in which case my 10:30 bedtime usually still applies), cooking dinner almost every night and spending my Saturdays cleaning house. Five years ago I would have been getting ready to go OUT at 10:30…not preparing myself for bed. Of course, I guess it would be easier for me to still maintain that kind of lifestyle if one glass of wine didn’t make me feel like someone was trying to force my head apart at the middle, or if a martini or being in a smoky bar didn’t mean spending the whole next day vomiting. I should just accept the fact that I’m getting older, that I’m a grown up now and that it is not appropriate for me to ask for the newest cabbage patch kid (do they even make those anymore??) for my birthday. Instead I have to ask for practical things, like yoga dvds, a tripod for my camera, a new spring outfit for work. Although I am hoping the birthday fairy will bring me a new bike for my bday, since I am very eager to ride around dc once the weather returns to normal in another month or so…maybe I can get one with streamers on the handlebars and a basket for my dolls? Then again, they don’t make bikes like that in my size, just like those cool kids’ shoes that light up when you walk. I want some of those things! Or those wheelies that are like tennis shoes with the roller skate that pops out of the bottom. Why are these things just for kids? I bet cause someone old like me would bust their face and then sue the company, instead of falling down, skinning a knee, and sucking it up like you should – or, like a kid would. Anyway, here I am lamenting the fact that I am getting older and acting older, but then when I do find myself going out, I look around me at the idiot college kids who are only concerned with actually trying to drink their own faces off, and I think, damn, I wouldn’t be that age again for the world. So I guess I will take my early bedtime and my 1-3 drinks per week and my no longer smoking and staying home on a Friday night to watch movies on demand and order Chinese. Cause the older I seem to get, the more fun that stuff seems to get. Plus, it means way less headaches…and I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I woke up and wondered, “where the hell am i??” maybe growing up isn’t as gross as I thought...

random thursdayness

i don't have anything funny or poignant to blog about today, but i think it's been a while since the interwebs have heard from me and i'm sure that all 2 of my readers are just pining away for my thoughts on life. so i thought i would just share a few of the completely random wonderings that have been running around inside my head today...i ask questions like this all the time to whoever is in my vicinity, i'll just wonder aloud in the car or something, and it's gotten to the point where most people laugh at why i would think they would know the answer, or they make up some ridiculous response (which i will probably believe anyway). i expect my friends to be like wikipedia. i do not think that is asking too much.

i wonder how many photos albums i appear in. think about how many places you've been where people are taking pictures. how many of those people's pictures have included me somewhere in the background or just inside the frame of the photo? i should start a website dedicated to finding yourself in other people's photo albums. i have so many pictures where i'm posing with people i don't know (mardi gras is a good explanation for that), or can't remember (again, mardi gras), or didn't mean to include in my composition. surely there must be some photo album in thailand in someone's grandmother's living room where i show up in the background of a 1987 family photo at disney world. or maybe my new year's eve in london in 1998 made it into some random french person's album. the possibilities are endless.

i wonder who thought up malted milk balls. more specifically, whoppers. even more specifically, robin eggs. what does it mean for a milk ball to be malted? how does one "malt" something? can other things be malted, or just milk? why are robin eggs specific to easter? why do we eat so much candy right before bathing suit season? what does spring really have to do with chocolate cadbury eggs?

how do they get a crane up on top of a building that is being constructed? if the crane is used for constructing the building, what do they use to construct the crane? do the crane operators have to pee and eat lunch up in that little box or do they come down? when the building is really tall like in new york, how do they get the crane down afterwards? i mean, i realize that they take it apart piece by piece, but wouldn't they need another crane to lower all those pieces?

how come some cultures of people can have a variety of eye colors, but others only have dark eyes? or hair? why do asian or african people all have dark hair and not blonde or red?

is it possible that my desk is in some sort of time warp where time is slowed down and the rest of the world is moving along normally but i'm stuck here where every minute literally takes an hour?

if it's true that you could use a telescope far out in space to see earth as it used to be because of the rate of the speed of light, why wouldn't they put one out there so we could see the dinosaurs? how far away would a telescope have to be to do that?

how come english sounds so different depending on where it's being spoken? how does a region get an accent? why do people in boston say things differently than people in kentucky if we are all speaking the same language? and how did all those people in europe all end up with different languages when their countries are so close together?

i know some of these require a scientist or a linguist (how do you get to be a linguist, anyway??) or an engineer to answer, so maybe i should make up my own mormon-esque religion and marry one of every profession, but imagine the laundry i'd have to keep up with. i just want one person to know all the answers. i guess that's why i heart the internets so very, very much.