an open letter...

dear mr. "the situation"-

i had every intention of writing the a-holes over at MTV a frosty letter of grievance for continuing to churn out waste of space buffoons such as yourself and promptly declaring you to be celebrities. i now have to put up with fools like you and snooki and heidi montag and lauren conrad and j woww (which is not even a real name, by the way) and audrina patridge and the list goes on and on and on and yet none of you contribute ANYTHING of ANY value to society. NONE. but then i decided that MTV isn't holding a gun to america's head and telling us to watch or die, and that these people actually become "celebrities" because we are dumb enough to see them on tv a couple of times and then obsess over them and their silly catchphrases and get caught up in their lifestyles of doing nothing (yes, mr. "the situation," i'm saying going to work out, tan, and do laundry do not constitute as a worthwhile lifestyle) and then whaddaya know just like that, they are on the cover of trash magazines and CNN is reporting on how high snooki's bump was that particular day and i think it just goes to show you what a bunch of dumb ass fools WE the american public are.

i do, however, want to make a request of you and it's that you put your damn shirt down. yes, i see you work out. yes, i see you are hairless as a chinese crested terrier. no, i am not impressed. not only am i not impressed, but i am also not pleased, because i see more and more people walking around using the heat as an excuse to strike a "situation" pose themselves and hello, america, i do not want to see your pasty white underbellies when you are covered in sweat and your chest could easily be confused for a shag carpet. see, mr. "the situation," as a "celebrity," you have a lot of power and with that power comes a choice to use it for good or for evil. your influence is doing me no good and i implore you to reconsider your "situation" and keep your shirt on. think of it as doing something different for a change. making the ladies work a little harder for it, if you will. i don't feel this is asking too much, so i do hope that you will at least sleep on my request.

if you could also do me another small favor and go away and take all of the rest of your jersey shore cast members with you, i would really appreciate that as well.

please and thank you,

me