i think i daydream a lot about being some rich, famous celebrity, who never has to worry about money and who can just spend her days jet setting about and shopping for $3,000 purses. but the more i think about this (and the more time i spend on perezhilton.com), the less i think this is the kind of life for me. for one thing, i can leave my house. anytime. no one follows me around with a camera, so if i happen to pick a wedgie while i’m out walking my dog, it won’t be on the front page of us weekly the next day. and i know that i’ll never see my slightly-longer-than-my-big-toe second toe circled in red and pointed out for the whole world to scrutinize. i can indulge myself and buy cheetos at the store without anyone judging me for putting on a few pounds. if i ever happen to experience any kind of “wardrobe malfunction,” it won’t end up all over the internet. when i do happen to manage to get away on vacation, i can maybe end up topless in a hot tub without having to sue someone or apologize for making a “very big mistake” or having a “temporary lapse in judgement.” i can get mad and call someone a douchebag without having to promise to go to rehab for anger management issues. when i do have one or two more drinks than i should, rumors don’t swirl about how i got drunk and started a fight and/or no articles surface on how my drinking is out of control and i need to get myself to promises as quickly as possible. if i eat a big burrito for lunch, my belly doesn’t cause cnn to speculate on whether or not i may be with child. i can shake hands with someone without being linked to them in the biblical sense. no one takes my picture in the airport so i can wear my sweats and bring my stuffed santa claus without facing ridicule (oh who am i kidding, i always get dressed up to fly). i don’t have to deal with being blinded by paparazzi flashes 24/7, so i can get away with only wearing sunglasses when the sun is actually in my face. i can go to wal mart for underpants without people saying i’m a redneck idiot just like that britney spears (actually, maybe people do say this about me and i just don’t know…). i can drink diet coke or diet pepsi or vitamin water or gatorade without ever worrying about getting sued for a breach of contract. i can change the channel when an awards show is really boring, instead of having to sit through the whole damn thing in a really uncomfortable dress that i am sewn into and will no doubt be unflattering from at least 3 angles. when i have one of those days where i can’t conjure up a cute outfit, i still do not end up on the “what was she thinking” list. so really, celebrities can have their money and their paparazzi, and live in their 5.6 million dollar apartments with their 6 miniature toy yorkies named after all the other major cities they have homes in. i can wear the same pants for 5 days IN A ROW and no one gives a shit. so there. who’s got the life now, bitches?
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