just like any other tuesday...

this morning, i forgot how to get to the hospital. having been here more times than i care to count in the last ten months, i could probably find my way here in my sleep, but this morning i got in the car, closed the door, buckled my seat belt, turned the engine on...and had absolutely no clue where i was going. funny how your brain shuts down in the moments that you need it the most.

my sister is having a mastectomy today. it's her second one since being diagnosed with breast cancer ten months ago, and although this one is more for preventative reasons, i still find myself sitting here in the eerily quiet hospital waiting room thinking that there is just no way my sister has cancer. i remember the day last year when she called me in a panic, claiming to have found a lump in her breast - i was dismissive and told her it was nothing because niki tends to be a little dramatic and of course it was nothing. it had to be nothing. had it been me, i would have ignored it, or not had time to deal with it, but niki went to the doctor the next day. they wanted to do some more tests but she was scheduled to go on a three week work trip to kenya, so the testing had to wait. she emailed me while she was gone and asked me to help her set up her appointments, which i did with an eye roll because a) leave it to niki to need me to take care of something when she is 7,500 miles away and b) of course it was nothing.

when she was back home, she followed up with the doctor, but even when i accompanied her to the biopsy they had ordered for her, i wasn't worried. they were just being extra careful. nothing is wrong with my sister. this is all just standard procedure. right? a few days later i got a phone call while i was at work. it was niki's number, but her boss' voice on the other end of the line, and she didn't need to say it, because i already knew.  it wasn't nothing.  "you need to come get your sister. the doctor just called. it's cancer. she's a wreck." at some point during the cab ride over to her office from mine, my brain decided it wasn't emotionally equipped to handle this news, and so, it stepped out of my body. i'm pretty sure that is the only way i managed to stand in the lobby of my sister's building, hold her in my arms, and assure her that everything was going to be fine. it's the only way i was able to take the phone from her when she got too choked up to call my parents to tell them the diagnosis. and i know it's the only way i could have possibly kept it together after hearing my mother's reaction. because my brain still stubbornly insisted, nothing is wrong with my sister.  oh, the power of denial.

in the months since that first phone call, a lot has changed for my family. but a lot more has changed for niki. i will never understand how she's been able to deal with all of this without the least bit of bitterness or anger. sure, she's had bad days here and there, but she's never dwelt on it or lingered on the question why did this have to happen to me?  if anything, her reaction has been more like, let's get this over with because i am really busy and all these appointments are eating into the time i want to spend letting my dog lick me in the face.  after we hung up the phone from telling my parents that day, niki told me she'd asked her doctor if she was going to die.  we didn't know yet what stage the cancer was in, how aggressive it may or may not be, or what kind of treatment she'd be looking at, but once she heard the news that no, she was not going to die, i think she made up her mind then and there that she was just not going to let this be that big of a deal.  even sitting in chemo class with her, i'm raising my hand and asking questions and taking notes and writing down things to research, and niki is busy being worried about the girl across the table from us, who looks like she is about 6 months pregnant.  so many people have it worse than me, she says.  and that is just like her, to think about everyone else.

there are days when my brain still refuses to acknowledge all of this.  looking back at the last year, and how niki has faced it all with humor and grace (yes, i just used the word grace to describe my sister.  it probably won't ever happen again.), it makes me wonder how she's done it all.  i've been there as much as i can - gone to appointments, held her hand during not-so-pleasant medical procedures, bathed her stupid hedgehog because her doctor told her not to touch it during chemo - but i can't go through this with her.  i can't understand how she feels or what's going on in her head (not that i could do that on a normal day), and i've struggled with that.  but niki being niki, she doesn't really give me much of a chance to worry about that.  she's busy getting on with her life, and with this surgery down and only her reconstruction left to go, she's well on her way to proving me right - nothing is wrong with my sister.  only it's not denial anymore.  it's just the way things are.

mid year's resolutions

so, let's skip the part where i come up with a bunch of lame excuses for why i haven't posted in two years. let's just say i've been really busy doing a whole lot of that "life" thing and let it go at that.

i've had a lot of time to spend with my thoughts lately (and really, i'm never sure if that's a good thing or not), and although i know we've already passed the mid way mark this year, i have my own little mental tradition of checking in with myself around the end of summer to see how i'm doing in terms of keeping my new year's resolutions going. considering that i can't even remember what i resolved to do this year, i'm going to go ahead and call the 2014 lindsey improvement project kind of a wash, but it doesn't really need to be january for me to work on cleaning up my act. so, thanks to some serious time logged in planes, trains and automobiles lately, i've had lots of time to think about what it is i'd like to work towards before 2014 slips right out of my hands (just like every year before it has).

so. first and foremost, i resolve to spend less time with my phone and more time with the people in front of me. i resolve to not measure my worth in likes, follows or retweets, and i resolve to invest more in personal connections than in those offered by the lure of social media. the friends and family in my life are there because they are invested in me, and i owe it to them and to myself to not spend the precious time we have together distracted by the seductive glow of my smartphone.

i resolve to say "no" with reckless abandon and to learn to be selective with what i give my "yes" to. life may be long but it's entirely too short to spend it doing things i feel obligated to do, rather than the things that are actually important to me. i resolve to remember that my time is just as important and valuable as everyone else's and that at the ripe old age of 34, i should finally learn to start treating it that way.

i resolve to work on filtering out all the noise around me and tune in on the music life can make when you're really listening. i also resolve to stop agreeing with the voice in my head when it tells me that my words don't have much weight or that what i have to say doesn't really matter, and i resolve to tell that voice exactly where it can go the next time it tries to convince me not to try something because i might fail. my mom taught me to never tell anyone to shut up, but i think in this case she'd probably tell me to say it a little bit louder.

i resolve to submit to my wanderlust and my curiosity until i end up in the poor house or an early grave. whichever comes first. i'll be broke and/or i'll be dead, but either way when the time comes for my life to flash before my eyes, it'll be a damn good show. maybe even with fireworks. but not clowns. no one likes clowns.

lastly and perhaps most importantly, i resolve to find the gift in every day. i resolve to take an extra minute to be grateful every time i wake up and have a whole new chance to get it all right, and i resolve to work on being ok with the fact that i probably never will. sometimes life gets messy. sometimes it really hurts. but i spend a lot of time trying to avoid the bad, and because of that, i probably miss out on a lot of the good, so - i resolve to learn to appreciate the sour for the way it makes the sweet taste even better. oh, and i also resolve to be more resolute about my resolutions.

new shoes, new challenge, new river

so, i'm on day 15 of my self-imposed "run every day for 30 days" challenge, and i have to say, week one was fine. in fact, it was great. i didn't log any super long distances, but i wanted to start small and build up. last sunday i did a 9 mile run, and let me tell you, there is nothing like a 9 mile run to let you know that you need a new damn pair of shoes. my ankle was bothering me anyway, but i'm entirely too stubborn to let something like my physical well being to come between me and my goals, so i bandaged it up and pressed on. somewhere around the middle of the 14th street bridge, my ankle had just about had it with me and i contemplated stopping and turning around to head back home. but, oddly enough, as soon as i did stop, it hurt even more than when i was running (which then prompted me to lose myself in the thought of how much of my life that applies to - the idea that i keep running because it hurts too much to stop - but that is an entirely different blog post), so after a little come to jesus talk with myself and about another half a mile, it was pretty much smooth sailing. or i guess running. whatever. but between my ankle acting up and the general shape of my poor feet, it's pretty obvious that it's new shoe time. my next paycheck cannot come fast enough.

some of my friends are a little worried that i'm not taking any rest days, and i'm sure it would behoove me to listen to them, but since i never really listen to anyone anyway, i probably won't. the only break i have on my horizon (before the end of the month, of course) is a weekend of rock climbing in west virginia, which i'll be doing this weekend. i've never been rock climbing before, and i'll admit i'm slightly terrified by the whole idea of it, but pretty excited to be trying something totally new. the most experience i have with rock climbing is the rock wall at the gym i worked at in high school that was about 6 feet tall and my job was to supervise kids on it, not climb it myself, so this will all be totally new to me. i'm also looking forward to spending the weekend in new river gorge national park - if it's as beautiful as it looks in pictures, i will be one happy lady. it's a 5 and a half hour drive from dc, but i adore road trips and i plan to make stops at the diner on 81 with a giant hot dog eating t-rex out front, and at stonewall jackson's grave sight in lexington, va. AND i also get to cross the new river gorge bridge, which was at one point the world's longest steel single-span arch bridge. now it is apparently in the #3 spot for that title, but that doesn't stop me from geeking out about it any less. climbing rocks and doing yoga (it's a weekend retreat type of thing - yoga in the mornings and evenings, climbing all day, sitting around a campfire at night) may not sound like much of a break from running every day, but i'm sure my knees and ankles will appreciate a 2 day break from being impacted over and over with the dc city sidewalks.

so...3 more runs until my 2 day "break." i thought this would get easier as the days went by, but my body keeps wanting to remind me that it is not 21 anymore and it begrudges me for asking it to do anything other than sleep and eat. just wait til i get it strapped into climbing equipment and ask it to dangle from the side of a 20 foot wall of solid rock. i should probably prepare another come to jesus talk for that...

thirteen. point. one.

i will be the first to admit that i can get a little obsessive compulsive sometimes. i mean, yes, i color code my closet and all my shoes are in clear plastic boxes that are clearly labeled, but that's ORGANIZATION, not OCD. generally, my OCD tends to pop up when i set a goal for myself, because as much as i hate to let other people down, it really kills me when i let mySELF down, so i will do pretty much whatever it takes to get myself to the finish line. in this case, i mean that literally, because my dumb ass signed up for another half marathon. about a week ago, i realized that i'm about a month out from having to run 13.1 miles all in one fell swoop, and i am nowhere near being ready. i run pretty consistantly anyway, but it's one thing to run 3 or 5 miles, and something totally different to run 13. last year my knees were in a full on attack against the rest of my body right about the time i hit mile 10, and although i did a decent amount of training, i wanted to be better prepared this year, especially since a) my knees REALLY HURT for about 4 days after the race and that can't be good and b) i decided i want to shave 6 minutes off my total run time this year and finish in 2 hours. i am not very good at math but that pretty much means maintaining a 9 minute mile for 13 miles. i decided i would challenge myself to run every day - with 3 miles being my minimum - for the next 30 days to help me get ready. i'm only 8 days in, but have kept up with it so far (this is where the OCD part comes in since i'm sometimes sneaking in 2 workouts a day - and god help you if you come between me and my schedule while i'm on this kick - and am excited about using my "staycation" days this week to log an 8 or 9 mile run), so fingers crossed that i can keep it up for another 3 weeks. the upside to this is that i sleep like the freakin dead at night. the downside is that i CANNOT get enough to eat. try being ladylike and delicate when all you want to do is put all of whatever is on your plate in your stomach, IMMEDIATELY. but now i can be one of those jackholes who says stuff like, "oh i'm carb loading because i'm training for a race."

thankfully, the race is in philly which means awesome scenery and my friend shannon taking me out for nachos afterwards (HELLO, i do not eat cheesesteak!!), and i'm hoping that the adrenaline rush of actually racing other people and not just taking my sweet time like i normally do will help motivate me to my 2 hour goal. and if that doesn't do it, there is always the fact that i'll be able to make fun of my sister for having completed 5 full marathons and still finishing a solid half hour behind me in a half. muwahaha and HA.

growing up in louisiana, we ate a lot of watermelon in the summer. i have some really wonderful memories of having a backyard full of family, my dad manning the grill, my cousins and i running back and forth between the pool and the pond, and only stopping long enough to grab a slice of watermelon before running off again. but for all that watermelon eating, i never really thought you could eat it any way but the way my mom served it. which was sliced up and in a bowl. so when a friend came over recently for a cookout with a tray full of watermelon and feta kebobs, it kind of blew my mind. i love watermelon. i love feta. but together? questionable. in the spirit of trying anything once as long as it is not on my "i will not eat that" list, i figured i'd give it a shot, and at the very least i could smile and nod while i was feeding the rest of it to the dog under the table. um. i am pretty sure i ended up eating the entire tray, and i was rather unapologetic about it. poor lincoln did not even get a crumb.

so when i recently found myself craving watermelon again, i made salad with it, and tossed in chopped mint, red onion, crumbled feta, mixed greens, and topped it off with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. hello, heaven? it's lindsey. where have you been all my life?? needless to say, i have been eating watermelon salad for lunch and dinner for the last two days, and since i still haven't made a dent in the watermelon, i think it's safe to say this will be the case for at least a few more days. which is fine with me. had my mom sprung this on me when i was 6 or 7, there's no doubt in my mind i would have turned my nose up and gone back to playing mermaids in the pool with my cousin, but as i've gotten older i've been surprised at how much i love foods that i had previously turned down on the basis that it was a weird color, or a funny shape, or i didn't like the name of it. can one grow out of being a picky eater? considering the fact that my mom probably spent an extra 5 hours a week trying to cater to my particular palette when i was a kid, i should probably not let on that i have expanded my horizons lest she write me out of the family will out of sheer aggravation.

outside of the peach/goat cheese/almond salad that i have already been eating all summer, the watermelon/feta/mint salad might be my new favorite thing. which is a good thing, since i have enough to eat it every day for the next two weeks.

that's MS. mayor to you

if i had to venture a guess, i would say there are currently about (or at least) 50 pairs of shoes in my closet. i mean, i am no imelda marcos, but i am aware of the fact that my collection of footwear is pretty much on the border between what is considered acceptable insanity and full on being the mayor of crazytown. what is most ridiculous about this collection is the fact that of my 50 or so pairs of shoes, there are at least ten that i have never worn, probably 30 that i have worn one time, and another ten that i have worn so many times i have to have the caps on the heels replaced on a regular basis. i realize that this makes little to no sense whatsoever (which is probably what puts me so close to the mayor of crazytown end of things), but for the most part, i literally have no defense against a pair of heels. none. (unless, of course, their offensive tactic is that they are out of my price range)

enter my newest addition to the collection. seriously, i have NO IDEA where i am ever going to wear these shoes. they are NEON yellow and not so easy to walk in. they are also COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. but perhaps that is why i am so in love with them. it makes me happy just to open my closet and see them (which i can even do in the dark, because they are so neon they practically glow) sitting there, waiting patiently for me to take them for a spin. i have serious doubts about my ability to walk more than a block in them, and seeing as how i live in dc and not tokyo, i am sure i will probably get a few strange looks from bewildered midwestern tourists on the metro. but i suppose that when one steps out in a pair of heel-less platform wedges, there is a certain amount of "LOOK HOW BEAUTIFULLY RIDICULOUS MY SHOES ARE!!!" going through one's head anyway.

i am pretty sure this purchase has pushed me into crazytown. but as long as i'm here and since i get to be the mayor, at least i can vow to clean up the streets a little and do something about the public school system. bonus that i get to do it all in the most un-sensible shoes ever known to my closet.

color me happy

last night i did something i haven't done since college. and no, it wasn't drink jungle juice out of a 24 gallon barrel that is lined with a trash bag. last night i found myself standing in front of an empty canvas, with a paintbrush in my hand, and an unlimited amount of colors to chose from. totally unbeknownst to me (i was instructed to wear sensible shoes (BORING!) and something i wouldn't mind getting messy), i was surprised with a trip to art jamz, and i have to say as soon as i walked in the door, my smile hit one ear and then the other, and it did not go away for the rest of the night. the concept is very simple and actually pretty cool: just a big art studio - a room lined with canvases on easel stands, a bar on one end (for what they call "liquid inspiration"), an endless supply of acrylic paint, and pretty much any kind of brush you could possibly think to need. they crank the music, keep the drinks flowing, and just let you have at your canvas. it's kind of intimidating to be face to face with what seems like a LOT of empty space and to challenge yourself to create something out of nothing. and it's SO fascinating to me to watch the different way people approach it...some people sketch first in pencil, or try to plan out a design, or manage to not get a single drop of paint on them, and some people (ahem, ME) pretty much start throwing paint down before they even have their smock properly tied and leave with paint in their ears. (i know, how did it even GET there??) it has literally been YEARS since i've painted anything other than a bathroom or bedroom wall, but as soon as i got started, it was like it had been no time at all. it's pretty easy to zone out and forget there is anything else even going on around you (well, except when they started playing that kanye song that i needed to dance around to), and two hours flew by in a matter of minutes. not that i created any sort of masterpiece by any means, but i was pretty excited about my finished painting and it was a really fun and unexpected way to spend a wednesday night. and to think i was going to just stay at home and watch the new cheerleading moms reality show on tlc. i'm thinking next time i go, i may have to get some friends together, get a little sauced, and see who can paint the most life-like self portrait. and by "self portrait," i mean "something that looks even remotely like a human being."